


Better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all

by Gaia_bing



Category: Spartacus Series (TV), Spartacus: Blood and Sand, Spartacus: Vengeance, Spartacus: War of the Damned
Genre: Angst, Cant say much else, M/M, Married Couple, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-11
Updated: 2015-08-11
Packaged: 2018-04-14 02:14:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4546296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gaia_bing/pseuds/Gaia_bing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Nasir shows up at his door one stormy night, Agron simply cannot believe it. </p><p>Especially after what happened...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all

**Author's Note:**

> Secret story is secret! Can't say much about this story up here, because it might ruin the surprise. Please read it and tell me what you thought! :)

I light up a candle, just like I've been doing every day for the past two years. I look to the left, sigh sadly and turn my head to the right. It's pouring rain outside, I quietly observed to myself as I set the matches down upon my kitchen table and sit on one of my many kitchen chairs.

I put my head inside my hands, trying as hard as I can not to break down and go get that tempting bottle of gin that's waiting for me inside my fridge and drink myself to oblivion... again.

I don't want my brother finding me passed out on the floor of my living room when he comes over tomorrow morning...

Again.

But, I tell myself, what would be so bad about taking some alcohol right now? At least I'd forget, even for a little while.  
Forget about the past two years...

Forget how everyday, my heart feels like it's smashed beyond repair and my body feels empty and cold, like there's no soul living there anymore...

Forget about how my life hasn't been the same since...

Since...

_Since..._

My thoughts are interrupted by a quick set on knocks upon my door.

I look at the clock: 10:00PM. I haven't invited anybody over tonight, I think to myself. Hell, it's the opposite of that. Tonight of all night is the one time I really, truly wanna be alone.

The knocks begin again, this time twice as loud.

God, just get over there and tell whoever this is to go away, I tell myself and with a resigned sigh, I push myself off of my seat and quietly walk to my apartment door.

I open it in one brisk movement, ready to tell the intruder to just leave me be, but my voice catches in my throat and my body freezes on the spot when I see just who had been knocking on my my door this late at night.

_"N-Nasir?"_

The man I used to call my husband, whom I haven't heard from in the past two years, is standing right in front of me, looking exactly like the last time I saw him, but this time drenched to the bone and smiling weakly at me.

"H-hey Agron. Uh...my car broke down the road and I came here to see if I could use your phone to call a garage or something..." he finally says.

Even though I'm shocked beyond belief, seeing him shivering makes my heart (or whatever is left of it) skip a beat and with a weak voice, I stutter back:

"Uhm...su-sure. But don't just stand there, it's freezing outside. Come in, come in."

Smiling a bit wider, he nods his head in thanks and walks back me, getting inside my apartment.

He gratefully takes my offered towel and drying himself off, he can't help but remark: "You...you look great Agron."

The steps I take towards my fridge suddenly stops and turning back, I blush slightly as I reply: "Thanks. You look great too."

A tense moment passes between the two of us and turning my body back toward my previous goal, I open up my fridge and say: "Hey, before you call, do you want something to drink?"

It takes a moment or two, but he finally nods as he sets down the now humid towel upon the kitchen table.

"I...uhm...I have some gin." I offer.

"No, no, not that. I've seen what gin can do to people and no thanks, really." he replies, taking a seat by the same table where I'd been just a few moments ago.

I push some more stuff aside and after a while, I produce a bottle of white wine.  
This he'll take, he replies with a small smile.

I pour myself a glass and as I watch him drink, I say nothing.

He looks up at me and says nothing.

Seconds turn to minutes and finally, I've had enough.

"Nasir, what are you doing here?" I finally ask, breaking the tension.

"Like I told you, my car broke down and I needed to use your phone." he replies as he set his cup down.

I set my own drink down and crossing my arms on the table, I ask in a more serious voice. "No, really, what are **you** doing **here**?"

"I...I..." he starts to say, but his mouth closes and looking down at his own hands, he finally confesses: "I wanted to see how you were doing, that's all..."

"That's all...that's all!? It's been two years since you walked out on me and out of the blue, you just show up at my door like nothing's happened! How am I supposed to feel about all of this? What am I supposed to say to all of that?" I respond, feeling anger begin to boil inside of me. I stand up from my seat and begin to walk from left to right inside the kitchen.

He stands up too and with his hands on his hips, he exclaims out loud: "Hey, just a minute there! I didn't walk out on you, that's not what happened. Don't you remember?"

Like a tidal wave, the rage that's been building up inside my gut crests towards my brain as I step closer to the man that I once vowed to love through thick and thin.

"Oh, I remember alright. I remember **you** yelling at me and then **you** walking out the door, **you** taking the car and then **you**..." I start.

He holds up a hand to stop me from going further. "Hey, look, we're not here to remember the bad times alright? I'm here to make sure that you're alright, that you're happy and after that if you want me gone, I'm gone."

I sigh exasperatedly. "Well, as you can see, I've been fine and dandy here! And I'll be even finer and dandier when you leave me the fuck alone!"

He snorts ( _the bastard_ ) and taking a step towards me, he replies: "You, fine?! No, you're not even the tiniest bit of fine and we both know it! You haven't been for the longest time now and...."

"And we all know who's to blame for it all!" I interrupt him, finding myself face to face with him.

"Oh yeah? Well, it ain't my fault that you haven't even started to move on and instead, you've become a shell of who you used to be!" he finally shouts back, now getting in my face.

I sneer at him: "I can't even believe that you're angry at me for not getting over you!"

He snarls back: "And I can't even believe that you're angry at me over what happened!"

We both look at each other, eyes flaming, nostrils fuming...

And then...

Then...

Just like the loud bang of the thunder falling outside, we fall all over each other, groping and kissing and tearing at each other's clothes. Teeth clack, tongues meet and nails grasp wherever they can reach. In a gasp, I take the other man inside my arms and quickly guide him towards the room, towards the bed that we used to share.

And when we get there, time seems to stop and everything becomes...becomes...

It becomes real.

 _He_ 's here...

With _me_...

And we're _together_.

And it's like...

Like...

Like he never left at all.

And when we come together, hands intertwined tightly and staring deeply inside each other's soul, the dam inside of me finally breaks and in a broken sob, I whisper against his lips:

_"You son of a bitch..."_

_"How could you do this to me..."_

_"You left me all alone..."_

And when I feel smaller arms than mine wrap themselves around my shoulders, I can't hide myself anymore. I let him guide me inside his embrace as I silently cry my eyes and heart out.

And he just keeps on holding me, strong as a rock, just like he's always been.

He keeps pressing reassuring kisses everywhere he can reach, whispering soft words against my ear.

 _I'm so sorry...It's okay...everything is going to be okay_...he keeps saying...

I hold him as tightly as he's been holding me, maybe even more and this is how I find myself waking up the next morning, him inside my arms and looking up at me.

"Good morning." I whisper in a hoarse voice.

"Good morning." he replies back, leaning over so that his lips can cover mine and together, for some long, passionate minutes, we only kiss and touch each other. No sex involved, just us reaffirming our love for one another.

But, as the alarm clock upon my night table rings _7:00AM_ , I know that this...whatever _this_ is will soon come to an end. He seems to think the same thing as he breaks our languid embrace and leans back against the pillows of the bed, without looking at me.

And I do not dare to look at him either.

"So, I guess this is...this is it, then?" I ask after a beat.

"Yeah." he says quietly, slowly disentangling himself from my arms and putting his clothes back on.

"You and I both know I can't stay." he adds, still not looking at me.

I bow my head. "Maybe... But how am I supposed to live the rest of my life all...all alone?" I ask.

He finally turns and looks at me with sad eyes. "You're not alone, you were never alone and you'll never be alone. You friends, your family, they're are all here and ready to help you. That is...if you want them to." he replies.

I dare to ask: "And what about...what about you?"

That finally makes him smile. "I'll be right there, waiting for you." he finally responds.

He steps forward, pecks me sweetly on the lips and presses his forehead against mine. "But you're not coming, at least not for a while, right? Promise me that you're going to try to be okay, even without me?" he's the one asking now.

I close my eyes and sincerely swear: "Yeah, I'll try. It's going to be hard, but...I promise that I'm going to try."

He touches my cheek tenderly with both hands and when a ray of sunlight touches his shoulder, he finally steps back with a wide smile.

 _"I love you."_ is the last thing I hear of him.

The glistening of gold against his ring finger is the last thing I see of him.

I look back at my own left hand, my own golden ring shining into the daylight, lost in my own thoughts.

Wiping away my eyes, I slowly put my bathrobe on in complete silence and gingerly get off the bed and onto the floor.

I go to the kitchen, take the candle that has been lit as a memorial every day for the past two years and in one strong blow, I put it out.

I look to the left, where the picture of my late husband is hanging and instead of sighing, this time...

I smile.

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to all of the twisty, creepy short stories that I've spent the last day or so reading that gave me the inspiration for this little diddy.


End file.
